by Timothy N. Tanner
In a strange and troubling nightmare I had the other night, I was put down for the count by my enemy in the dream, Wilford Brimley. I couldn’t move. Despite flexing every muscle in my body, I was frozen to the ground. Wilford Brimley smiled through his super-mustached lip and leaned in close, super close. He was so close to my face I could feel his warm breath. As if it were possible, he got even closer, moving to my ear. At this point I could feel his mythical mustache brushing against my ear.
Oh god! The humanity! He was breathing his heavy diabetic breath in my ear as if he had a message for me, or he wanted to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I braced myself, not ready to hear what he had to say.
Suddenly he meows. It’s very loud. So loud in fact I am awakened from sleep to realize that my overweight, pure black cat, Tuna, is rubbing his face on my face and had meowed in my ear. He was hungry. He’s always hungry!
For the remainder of the day I thought of Wilford Brimley. It is also disturbing to note that for whatever reason my brain associated Wilford Brimley with my cat Tuna. As if I need to get any creepier, my mind associated Wilford Brimley with my cat wanting to almost whisper a possibly sexy secret in my ear. Did I have an almost homoerotic dream about Wilford Brimley? Have those words EVER been written before? I’d dare to say probably, but not many.
Thinking of the Brimley, one iconic memory of him sticks out in my head the most: The Thing. I know, I know, what about the “die-a-beat-us”? This also stuck in my mind, but I like to think of him in better times, possible before he had type-2 beetus. He played an amazing part in The Thing, even destroying a man’s face by putting his fingers through the man’s face skin. Yeah, that’s how I remember the Brimley most. Don’t forget about Hard Target you say? How could I?! Ole Wilford played the hell out of his old Cajun role, an older man who was like a father to the almost forgettable JCVD. Directed by John Woo and bad guyed by Lance Henriksen, it can never fade from my memory. Seeing Wilford Brimley expertly wield a bow and arrow is the stuff of beloved cinema history.
Knowing these things, I still let my mind wander on about the Brimley. Liberty Medical supplies must be really benefiting from his spokesmanship, right? I did some investigating to find out that my suddenly beloved Brimley is nowhere on their website. I even checked the IMDb and he hasn’t done any movies since 2012. That saddened me.
What happened to you, Wilford? Where have you gone? Why do I care? Why do you haunt me so? Could you get Guttenburg to use his star power to make a Cocoon 3? Could you forget I suggested Cocoon 3?
Wilford Brimley, because of you my life is in shambles.